This is not the America I thought I knew, the country I thought I left when I moved abroad two years ago. This past week has been a horrifying one for our country and for the world. Faced with the possibility of the historical moment of electing our first female president — a woman so deeply qualified and who would continue to advance all the progress of Obama’s 8 years — half the country instead decided to elect a vulgar, racist, xenophobic, bigoted, misogynistic, completely inexperienced, sociopathic sexual predator. Way to go, America.

To me (and everyone I know) it was shocking, heartbreaking, and inconceivable that this could actually happen. And as everyone is now saying, that’s precisely part of the problem — that people (myself included) live in their own bubbles and echo chambers and aren’t exposed to people and perspectives of the other side. I guess I just really thought and believed that we as a country would be smarter than to fall for a con man or to take our country back in time half a century, to ignore and shun the very norms and values on which America was founded (equality, freedom of religion and speech, welcoming of refugees to name a few). I’m not naive enough to believe that those values haven’t been challenged or threatened or fought over throughout the last 240 years, but it truly feels that a new low has been reached, where hatred is now an acceptable platform by which to reach the highest office in the land.

The day after the election, I couldn’t stop crying. It’s a feeling of grief, mourning for a reality and a country that suddenly doesn’t feel safe or like “home”  to so many people. And the realization that sexism is alive and well, for I truly do believe that there would have been a completely different outcome if Hillary had been male, and this makes me really sad and angry. I had started the morning of the election so excited and hopeful for the events we anticipated that night — I was taking selfies with Isaac and Rafi to commemorate the historical day when Hillary would be elected. We let them stay up late to watch the results, thinking it would be a wonderful memory to have and to tell their kids about someday. Instead, I had to figure out how to explain to Isaac how the “bully” who had no experience to be president was able to get elected, and to reassure him that he and our family are still safe. I recognize this is not the case for many families out there, so as I told Isaac it means we have to try to help all the people who need extra help or who might feel bullied.

I felt lucky to get to avoid much of the ugliness and media frenzy of the primaries over the past year. Being on the other side of the world in Dublin, I wasn’t exposed to the constant barrage of election stuff as was the case for people living here, and for that I was grateful. When we were leaving Ireland over the summer, I did joke that if God forbid the election actually went this way, we might be back in November, but never did I actually think it would happen.

Even though I was out of the country for the majority of the campaign, I did get asked about it a lot both in Ireland and in many of the countries we visited. It was clear that Europe (and the rest of the world) was watching very closely, was very scared, and wanted to find out from my American perspective how it was possible such a candidate was even a possibility. I was continually impressed (though not surprised) by how much more people in other countries know about our politics than most of us know about theirs. I’ve always been excited about the idea of globalization, of traveling, experiencing, and living in other countries, learning from other cultures, breaking down barriers to try to recognize all of our common humanity. Why wouldn’t people want to journey to new places, to learn amazing history, witness different cultures, languages, food, customs? Among the many  ways this election showed a divide in our country, it also paints a clear picture of America rejecting the forces of globalization and being part of an international community. I’ve read statistics that anywhere from 64-90% of Americans don’t have a  passport. As a country, it seems the vision of isolation from the rest of the world — of believing ourselves to be “leaders” of the world while also rejecting it offhand — is another way in which we’re limiting opportunities and missing out on, literally, a whole world out there.

I feel really fortunate to have had the chance to live out of this country for the past few years, to get to experience new perspectives and to grow to appreciate what I love about America and what I love about the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this past week, the “what I love about America” side has dropped dramatically. A part of me does think, “maybe I should just leave and move back to Ireland.” It feels like a dark moment in our history, but at the same time, I am seeing a bright spark of so many people standing up, fighting back, choosing love over hate, becoming inspired and determined to fight for so many different causes and communities that are under threat, to protect the America we know is right — one of inclusiveness, one that’s part of and not cut off from the world community. I think I should stick around and help with the fight.